My observations when you ignored them

Posted: July 21, 2010 in Diary at Dawn

Mmmm.. mmm…. what to write now. I already wrote many junk pieces on my skills of being a critic, may be like Taran Adarsh or somebody from Boston Film Critic Society. Ah, they don’t do games by the way. I thought of writing many things, but they are so clogged on my mind that it has become like a sink hole in New Orleans. I’ll come out of it eventually, when I get more sleep and then less sleep. Then I may try my hands on movies or games (i don’t have any now) till i get too tired to try and again clogged as i said earlier. Then my mind can conjure a piece of writing in compulsion and frustrations of having nothing to do. Urrgh– Clogginggggg! Slurp! This is first post where I looked away from movies and games shackles. But my habit of scrutinizing every damn thing that comes out on an electronic screen urges me again and again to write this piece about what i see in TV.

TV serials in India- I won’t say a damn thing against these bull”star star star star” soaps. To my scientifically outraged calculation, which is deadstone correct, half a billion in this country are addicted to this presently. Earlier there were only housewives. Then it got hold of the working women, then the girls, and to my (uuurrrggghhhh clog again) surprise boys too! When I saw my friends watching those things like a freak at a mirror, I surely thought that boys will never be boys. Well, I’m still from Mars, period.

After our addas were over, we went to Sthita’s home, to be served with always welcomed tea and snacks. Now I remember, sometimes I went even just to have them. Don’t think a thing and continue reading. Initially I might have missed it, but I started noticing that Sthita started watching “Remix” which was on Star One. I said okay, considering, there was a hot item and a cute girl involved. Excused myself too. Then it started growing upon him.  More TV time, less gossip. Add rest of my adda group, the place became a frig fucking fiasco about Indian television Primetime. And they even sidelined me when I told them not to be emotional about how one of the protagonists had a field day with another while drenching in rain and tuning to Bollywood or when one woman conspired against her kins. I had to no way but watch the never-ending serials, only to keeping my mouth open to every rogue comments to every goddamn scene, which were coming at them. We argued about million times, where I talked points and they could say something against Hollywood or something about my inability to process a dimwit script. Basically they didn’t have many talks. Whatever arguments I had in my sleeve, I’m putting them here:

  • All the character use Garnier, Loreal as the hair color.
  • There is usually a Dadaji (grandfather) or dadima (Grandmother) or both.
  • The elder persons, usually the dadas and dadis never die. If we calculate their age it’s likely to be 150yrs min.
  • 98% of the families are as rich as Warren Buffet.
  • Every successful businessperson gains the profit of more than Rs.300 crore.
  • Despite being rich they don’t ever rent a servant! The the members wearing expensive jeweleries and Rs10,000 sarees cook food, wash the dishes and clothes!
  • 99.98% of all the characters are as fair as a fairy; not even wheatish.
  • There is always a saans and a bahu cooking the khichdis.
  • Every leading actress is beautiful enough to win Miss India.
  • Every young person styles his hair. There is no simple hairstyle. If there exists one then the person having the one (One out of 100) is a fool as symbolized in the play.
  • 95% of the married characters have extra marital affairs.
  • 70% of the lead actresses married more than once.
  • There is always a CONSPIRACY THEORY going on in every episode.
  • Every male (99 outta 100) wears sherwani on special occasions.
  • Every person has got a car. What’s this- New Delhi?
  • Nobody dies in the serial. If anything so happens, he/she would return in future to create ugly problems.
  • There is a slow Motion Camera moving half of the time of the serial length.
  • Nobody gets old or the skin gets wrinkled. Even the character who gets old, looks like his/her son/daughter’s older bro/sis. Oops!
  • Every male wears coat-ties or suits at home also. The young ones wear jeans even at the time of sleeping.
  • Hotties wear transparent sarees of single color.
  • If by chance there exists any middleclass family(generally girls), the girl/boy falls in love with a member of a rich family.
  • There is a song in most of the happy ceremonies in which a lead character sings a song in tune of a recent bollywood flick along with ONLY other family members including the 200yrs aged GrandPa. The other persons only smile and swing their body in-accordance with the lead singer n dancer. Fact to say I get shy looking at the hip movements of THE grandpa.
  • No character gets drenched in sweat, loses his hairstyle, fades his/her skin color in sunlight or after hard work.
  • The lead actress teaches a lession every 2nd episode. Hhmmm…
  • Every lead character has met with an accident.
  • Most of the lead actress has a doublet.
  • There is always a new person wicked as hell, takes entry and plays a vital role. The same character once disappears, never returns back after being dosed from the Lead Role Models.
  • If somebody gets slapped, othes look into his/her face for an hour and gets amazed.
  • There is no Happy family.
  • The topics common in the serial are Sleeping With the Enemy, Unfaithful, Unlawful Entry, Blind Fury, Conspiracy Theory, Women On Top, Uptown Girls, Richie Rich, The Judgement Day, Eraser, Romeo Must Die, Return of the Rebel, etc,etc,etc,etc,etc….. (Luk @ the names)
  • If somebody is ill, then the doctor comes out the back door as if he was wrapped inside a room, waiting for somebody to go to hell.
  • You can never guess accurately about the father of a child. You can only predict.
  • These serials can never have a 2nd part cos these serials never END.
  • I can’t write anymore in frustration. Note my CLOG in brain. Or I might smash my keyboard while taking notes about what our multi-billion dollar silver screen industry is made up of. I’m going off to flush the clog. Till then, engross yourself in melodrama.

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    Comments
    1. bhaskar says:

      superb!!!

    2. Abhilash Rath says:

      i guess these DEEP conclusions must have come only after a vivid study of the subject,in this case, viewing the serials on and on and on………but have to admit………really awesome! gud

    3. Priya Gupta says:

      You missed something… Even when women are doing the add household jobs or even sleeping they have all heavy jewellery, saree and make up on as if they are all set to go to a wedding!

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